I’ve been away for a few days trying to get back to feeling like I want to keep writing.
Ruby, who I talked about with such love in my last post took a very sudden turn with her health and we had to say goodbye to her the other day. In my current mindset, I can honestly say that the universe can bite my ass.
Ruby was easily the perfect dog. I’m not saying that because she was mine, I’m saying that because she was actually the perfect dog. She didn’t bark, chew, annoy, fight or run away when called. She sang her beagle-mix songs when she was happy which was always, she chewed her favourite toys, a finger snap and a pointed finger would get her out of your way, she was a great friend to all other dogs, cats and hamsters, and she walked off-leash in all areas with confidence. Other dogs would walk past her, and with a quick look up to me for confirmation, I’d tell her ‘wait’, and she would. Other dogs would sometimes lose their minds around her and her zen disposition, while she would just stand and wag her tail. I will always believe she was a bit of a braggart like that. Like a born-again athlete leaving a crossfit class, I’m sure she was overly proud of her achievements and wanted to tell everyone she met about it.
So now she’s gone and I am lost. I have reached down to touch her and she’s not there. I have heard her come down the stairs. I have called to her when I came home. She was my everything and this loss is not like one I have felt before.
This all brings me back to writing. When I got her, she was part of the picture I had in my head of writing; A computer at a desk, big windows and a dog sleeping beside me while I worked. I was living the dream and she was an active part of it for 4 years. Now she is gone and I’m struggling to get my mojo back in her absence. But I have to because I promised her I would. In her last hours with me I made a promise to her that I would keep working and creating. So I will keep working and creating. She told me ‘wait’, so I have to be calm and trust her and just let the crazy world go on around me.
Wait, but don’t stop.