Easter is my favourite of all the candy holidays. I am told that candy was not the intent of the day, but I’m not sold on the other story either. I have also been told that the actual Easter story is much more serious and 97% less filled with Peeps, therefore I won’t bother sharing it with you. It has no place in a story of truly the most wonderful thing about Easter:
Much to my confusion, new packaging was unveiled last year for this precious cargo. I was surprised that they looked so much smaller in their little plastic space modules, but also kind of relieved that my tin foil consumption would be cut by at least 73% this candy-season. Worry not, dear reader, I’ll make up for that during the bleak candy time between Christmas and New Year’s when only the crappy, foil wrapped chocolately Santas remain. Tucked into the tree and meant to be decoration, they will subsidize my required yearly intake of foil.
I was recently asked by a curious no-good-nik if, within that new packaging, the egg was still the same. Was it still chocolate goodness with creme filling? Hell yes.
No. Mister Science was wondering if there is still a star embossed on the egg, like he’s suddenly some sort of Creme Egg anthropologist. My response was “A star? There could be a small child strapped to it for all I know. I don’t chew the first one.”
The first one.
I’m about to blow your mind and share with you my secret steps to succeed in life! There is a system I have that revolves around threes. The number three has a long history of being a magical, wondrous number throughout time: The Three Wise Men, The Back To The Future trilogy, Three’s Company, the Mmmm-bop Hanson brothers, Three Sheets to The Wind. Three has long been the only way to get what you want in life.
Here’s how it all shakes out…
Delicious Egg #1 – A primer for the sugars to follow – sets a nice base level of glucose and high fructose corn syrup in my gut, accommodating an easy entry for the next two. The first one is rarely chewed more than 2 times.
Health Risk Egg #2 – A palate cleanser – gets me ready for the real flavour and soaring blood sugar. Think of it as a sorbet to allow me to truly enjoy the next course. The second one is chewed more and made to linger in the mouth for a while, allowing for a uniform dental cavity creation.
Shameful Egg #3 – the real one. Tastes like new pants because my current ones are not long for this world at this rate. This one sometimes tastes a little salty, having melded with the tears of gluttony and shame, emulsified with just enough chocolate to make it worth my while.
Please have a happy Easter, and remember to eat responsibly.