I’m in my mid 40’s a few years ago. This means two things for sure; impending menopause and retirement.
Menopause, the bat signal into the sky that my cooler has run out of eggs and in celebration, I will be made to experience vast temperature swings and a catatonic metabolism. And lo, the time of regret for my years of Dorito enslavement shall be upon me.
Retirement is a little trickier to navigate right now. You may have read, or at least skimmed for dirty words, my last post about working from home. Home, however, does not provide the promise of a good retirement. It’s more of an idea than a practice. I’ve secretly replaced home’s sense of security in retirement with crippling self doubt and 3am wakeful periods wondering about black market kidney sales. Let’s see what happens!
I’m not completely unplanned. I have lots of great ideas just waiting to happen which will either propel me into a comfortable retirement or a suitable sized box with enough room for my home dialysis set-up.
Investors, I urge you to read through and pick the one best suited to your diverse portfolio.
Carb Block
Couples who limit carbs together stay together. No couple is immune however from the ‘cheat day’ or donut fuelled meeting at the office. Carb Block to the rescue!
A quick spray of Carb Block before you walk through the door of your home promises to erase the telltale scent of carbohydrates, sugar, and fun. Carb Block replaces the scent of delicious sugar and white flour with the pungency of single malt scotch. Your partner will be amazed at your dedication to the low-carb lifestyle you have agreed upon, wondering instead if your drinking is related to the children you feel you were tricked into having. Try Carb Block today and commit once again to your mid-life crisis/back-on-the-market-rapid-weight-loss life while you scroll through the hundreds of singles also looking for new love.
GreasyTint
Embarrassed of everyone judging your plastic wear and its lingering tomato sauce based staining and ‘barely clean’ feel? GreasyTint makes the haters stop hating.
A few drops of GreasyTint in your sink or dishwasher enhances the orange sheen on your plastic wear into a uniform coating onto all your dishes, removing the “look at me” singularity, replacing it with a distinctly unclean feeling to everything. Created with the same distraction techniques used by the military and the inventors of Spanx, GreasyTint will turn the haters into believers who won’t likely darken your doorway for another judgemental dinner again!
Whass’that?
Making a birthday cake? Pancakes? Scrambled eggs and toast? A dash of Whass’that promises to elevate your dish…with delicious mystery. Nature, in her keen evolution over a couple of years, has designed the perfect containment system which illustrates how nature protects itself by saying “don’t touch”. Like the porcupine and the mullet, the egg has devised a protective shell around it which indicates it does not wish to be bothered or considered for a serious relationship. When cracked, the egg relies on its evolutionary safety net and deposits tiny bits of shell into the intended recipe, thus rendering the final product a disaster. But wait! What if I told you evolution could be circumvented with Whass’that? With just a few shakes into anything containing eggs, your final products will consistently be described as having “something small and crunchy” in them, changing the “don’t touch” into a “yes please”. How delightful!
*product usage may be extended to bathmats and guest bedding for that certain je ne sais quoi that leaves your guests anxious for a return visit.
I’ve got a million of these gems in my head. My reluctance to start the entrepreneur process lies in my fear of getting TOO involved in it and missing out on fully enjoying menopause.
*A full prospectus and available schematics will be available for suitable backers.
